I'm not under even the slightest illusion that the furry creature I took from the shelter on the last day of January in 2014 as a puppy is "mine". I merely feed him and, in return, he barks at strangers and sees off mice, pigeons, chipmunks and squirrels. He began his position as Head of Security of February 1st 2014 and took it seriously from the very beginning. I'm in cyber-terrorism and identity theft (changing passwords often and shredding confidential documents) and he's in the department of "Immediate Threats": the guy who wants to kill me for my purse, carjackers, the propane man with his enormous tanker and, of course, UPS. No provision is currently in place for the stoppage of pack-moving vehicle by members of the constabulary (current: US territories), although toll booths manned by the armed services of New York City are usually met with exclamations of "HI PUPPY!".
Alfie has many other rules and regulations as the newest member of our family. His Royal Highness will not be left alone. Separation of pack members is strictly forbidden and will result in severe consequences ranging from disfigurement of valuable items at present location to its utter annihilation, be it car, house or office, accompanied by incessant whining and/or removal of all vegetation from it's current earthy position.
Other consequences include, but are not limited to: disembowelment of cuddly toys; chewing of aforementioned vegetation; and inexplicably, muddy footprints on walls.
All pack members in contravention of this law will be a) licked to within an inch of their lives or b) nosed and clawed in the eye and/or groin.
Returning members will rest assured that Alfie DOES NOT take any personal responsibility for resultant consequences of pack member separation, although sobbing over yellow sponges and steaming buckets of soapy water will be taken into careful, inquisitive consideration. However, no guilt will be assumed.
All pack members bending over to pick something up will be ambushed with licks, kisses and nuzzling.
Chipmunks will be chased to their grave, if necessary. Mice will be intently stalked all over the house and growled at until they vacate the premises.
There is absolutely nothing in the regulations about taking a sneaky, swift long-tongued slurp of wine or beer, should the opportunity suddenly present itself.
When scratching simply does not cut the mustard, urgent itches will be dealt with quickly and violently with the front teeth.
Teeth brushing will be tolerated, but met with quizzical observation. See, also PEEING and SHOWERING.
All sticks are the property of Alfie, Head of Security. At no time will sticks be removed without the express consent of Alfie, HoS. All those contravening this law will be have sticks removed to an undisclosed location. See, also BONES.
Roast Chicken Loss or Disappearance. There has been a recent spate of roast chicken disappearance. All those pack members who have had their roast chicken "lost", will be given Form H1N1 to fill in and submit to Head of Security personnel. All roasted chicken losses are "pending". There have been no RC recoveries at this time due to personnel shortage. Please check back at a later date. Media requests will not be granted. All files are closed until further notice.